After scratching my head, delving deep into the archives of my exceptional brain and searching through the endless pit that is my soul; I have finally figured out that the Springboks simply need some Ronan Keating in their lives.
This is not a long piece, this is not a brilliant piece and this most certainly is a piece that is unlikely to entertain or enlighten you. However, I hope it brings you some closure and/or simple nostalgia where we can turn back time to the good old days – the days of Kitch, Nick, Jake, Divvy and even Heyneke.
Has 2016 been the Springboks worst ever year? We won just four out of 13 matches (if you include the BaaBaas draw), beating only Argentina, Australia and Ireland (twice). That said, all three teams we beat, we also lost to. We went down to Italy for the first time ever, before the pasta munchers lost to the Kingdom of Tonga the next week – at least we didn’t lose to a Pacific Ocean nation with a population of 100 000. Luckily we didn’t play the Brave Blossoms, Zimbabwe Sables, Botswana Vultures or Lesotho Llamas – nonetheless 2016 was worse for Springbok fans than it was for Hillary Clinton supporters.
I have tried to find answers, reasons and solutions with less success than I found in my algebra class in 2005. That was until my ITunes playlist flicked up a classic from Irish pop sensation, Ronan Keating. Ah yes, another win for the Irish in 2016 – this time in the form of the former Boyzone singer’s 1999 hit ‘When you say nothing at all’.
Earlier this year, Ronan met up with the Hurricanes in Sydney, spent some time with the Wellington based outfit and joined them for a beer and singalong in the sheds. A month or so later and they had won the Super Rugby title.
Now for the Boks, I am not sure if Ronan can galvanise this ragtag motley crew into becoming the green juggernaut they ought to be. I do however feel that the Irishman’s words from his 90s hit can provide us ailing Bok fans with some solace as we head into what should be a festive season.
Every time Toetie or the Vanilla Gorilla open their mouths on a SuperSport interview, I can’t help but cringe and mock charge. It’s worse than nails on a chalkboard. Quit playing with scissors and cut the crap. No more excuses, you don’t have the answers, we don’t have the answers…but Ronan Keating does.
What I suggest you do, is get yourself a copy of this cult classic song. Download it to your phone or better yet, put it in a Christmas stocking for your old man, husband, brother, cousin or father-in-law. Gout, cholesterol and heart burn aren’t the only issues he will be battling this December. He is fighting off months of depression after sucking his gut into that skin tight green and gold jersey every Saturday screaming ‘Bokke’ at the top of his klapped out lungs.
Now every time someone from the Springbok camp is on the radio or telly, you can mute them and listen to the soothing sounds of Ronan Keating. Instead of hearing the same old mumbo jumbo, I think the Boks would do better off taking Ronan’s advice, because when they speak we all know that:
The smile on your face
Lets me know that you need me.
There’s a truth in your eyes
Saying you’ll never leave me.
The touch of your hand says you’ll catch me wherever I fall
You say it best when you say nothing at all.